L'amour...

I hope that in writing this there is not too much self-loathing or any crap like that, if so...I apologize.

Time for a touchy subject. Love. L-O-V-E love. Touchy you ask? How is it touchy? From my experience love cannot be justly argued one way or another. There are some of you that believe in love; be it puppy, young, or true. There are those of you that will tell others that love cannot exist, that it is too in-tangible. And there are those of you that sit in the middle, with the pains of the chain-link fence of love in your ass. Well, I want to tell you what I think, but I do not think it is simply just yes, no, or maybe. Sorry.

I grew up with both my parents. My mom loved my dad, and my dad loved my mom. It was never a forced thing, it never felt uncomfortable. Do not hear me wrong, it was not perfect and I do not think it will be. They loved each other, but there were fights. My dad would say something and my mom would ignore my dad for a time and vice versa, though I think that my dad could carry on his lead-footed ignoring of my mom longer than my mom could my dad. This trait I have inherited, by genes or example...I do not know. But more often than these fights were the happy times. It seemed natural the way they worked. I never questioned it.

In the old days, marriages were arranged years in advanced. In the present day, this seems unjust. I cannot choose who I want to marry so my father can have a few extra acres of corn to sow each year. If you ask me, this idea breaks a law of some sort or another. However, if my marriage was arranged I would not despise it. I would embrace it (her) with open arms. You can be forced into this marriage and not like the idea, but that does not mean you cannot love her.

Here is my experience with love. For years I have loved my friends, through thick and thin. Some received more love, but...Well that's how it happened. There have been girls. One for many years who I still love to this day. I few crushes throughout middle school. Some almost and never-evers in high school along with a failed attempt. I even have my backup girl. We will wed when we are thirty if both of us are single. You are invited to the wedding if it happens. Now college brings new loves. This is the time in my life where I have found passions. I have learned to love more than people, and I understand this kind of love. What I mean to say is that there is a hierarchy of love and you are above her, but below this thing.

College have brought new opportunities. I am around the girls I know, and some that I like. But, we learn this can be a bad thing. A girl in my French class put it best, "Do not date someone who lives in the same dorm as you. You will always know where they are and what they are doing. Also do not take anthropology 227." It isn't necessarily with in the same housing structure. I found you should avoid people with similar schedules. For the same reason of course. In less than a semester I have moved through/between three girls. One showed only the interest of a good friend, which I chose to accept over nothing at all. So I moved on. Another showed enough interest, and at times too much until it was revealed that I seem to be not as good as the guy she engaged in relationship. So I moved on. A third seemed to show sincere interest. I showed it back. That is, until I found she was playing a game for her amusement that was not limited to me. Now I must move on again.

I have known for years what kind of life I want. It might have been around the time I saw The Wedding Singer for the first time. At a point in the movie, someone states that the main character has been looking forward to his wedding day since he was a child. It made me think, and I know what I would like if at all possible. I want to find genuine love. Love that can be seen by everyone, love that can be felt by everyone. I want to be so close to a girl that I do not need to say anything and she knows what I am thinking. I want to be so close to a girl that I need only to look into her sparkling eyes to see her emotions; her love, her hate, her sorrow, her joy. I want to be able to feel her when we are miles apart. I want her to have the same thing.

I know from experience that at least some of this is possible. It takes time, but to be able to talk without speaking. To know the very essence of another's thoughts just by a glance, this is conceivable to me. I have experienced it within two people, and only two people. I can talk to my mother without saying anything. I can glance at my best friend and know his thoughts. In one of the science fiction books I read, there was an attempt to put a phony scientific reasoning behind these statements. I read it and I reflected. Maybe it is possible to become so close to someone that a part of you is connected no matter where you go. I want this, I think everyone should want this. It makes you feel whole. But the third time will be the charm.

After I have my love, I want a simple life. I decided years ago that I do not need fame nor fortune to be happy. Just another. I do not need a big house nor fancy car. I just need one of each. I want a small house in the quiet town of no-name America. I want a job that pays the bills and puts enough into savings so if my wife wants to take time off of work for a month, a year, or a lifetime she can. I don't want anything special, well with the exception of a love.

It is funny, I envy what my parents have. I envy their love. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be so lucky as to have the same because it seems to perfect. I do not know how my parents met. I do not even know how long they knew each other before they married. I do not know what it was that inspired my father to ask my mother for marriage. I do not think those things are important. What is important to me is that they found each other, and with that love.